(December 8, 2013) Like most men, I avoid shopping sprees, sales, or any outing that calls for hours of store after store and rack after rack of browsing, and after 20 years of marriage, Angie and I have an understanding; I don’t go on shopping trips and she doesn’t watch ballgames (unless it’s our kids playing).
Nevertheless, all men know that every so often our beloved sneak one past us, often while we’re on a date. Somewhere in the extra time between dinner and the movie, Angie blinks those emerald eyes and asks if to stop at Target to “pick something up.” I fall for it every time and for the next hour I’m bumbling around between dress racks while she “works” her way to the detergent, toilet paper, or for whatever we originally came.
So, being a former “scout,” I’ve learned to always be prepared, even for the last minute shopping stop-ins. This advice has been tested and proven and may help my fellow manly-men during this Christmas shopping season. So, if you are the kind of guy I’m describing, take these truths to heart, apply them, they will definitely lower your blood pressure and may save the evening with your “lovely.” If you are one of those wives that blurs the lines of agreement, read on, and you may understand the depth of our sacrifice.
Survival Tip #1- Know Your Terrain.
Whether in woods, desert, shopping mall, or Macy’s, a survivor knows the landscape and physical challenges before him. Use the app on your cell phone and search the surrounding area first, then, go on the offensive and suggest stores. Avoid all places surrounded by scent shops and shoe outlets, or anything that peddles towels or pillows. Suggests stores near a Bass Pro Shops, Dick’s Sporting Goods, or Sports Authority. Now, don’t tell her those sanctuaries are close, just be helpful. Once she spots the sale signs, she’ll forget her wider surroundings. Then, let her pile on the clothes to try on, even encourage it; she’ll be in the dressing room for at least a half an hour or more. That’ll give you plenty of time to check out some lures, fishing rods, or the latest survival knife.
Survival Tip #2- Be Decisive.
In the wild, hesitation can often be deadly, and when your wife asks you if the “dress looks good on her” or “is this my color” a pause, a single half-second to think, can result in days of depression or moments of fury. I’ve realized through the years that I’m blind to shades of white; cream, linen, and antique all look the same to me. In fact, unless it is camo, I’ll hardly notice the difference in any shade or hue. So, when Angie holds up two dresses, I pick one, IMMEDIATELY. She is really the one that has the eye for that stuff and if try to form an opinion, I’m backing myself in a corner and adding 45 minutes to our already long “quick trip.” Just answer, she may debate, and that’s okay, but ultimately she’ll pick the one she wants anyway.
Survival Tip #3- Dress for Action.
I played basketball for several years and was pretty good at defense, but I never guarded a player with the ability to cut and move like my wife can around the clothes racks on a day of spectacular sales. Add a full basket to push and I’m like the Titanic to an iceberg. The reality is, I’ll always be several steps behind her, but I can limit my damage to the store and my joints if I wear the proper attire. Because these shopping excursions come without warning, I suggest strapping on the braces under your nice pants and buying a pair of dress shoes or cowboy boots with sneaker-like soles. You may get a few snickers from traditional Texans about wearing those new “city-slicker boots” but you won’t blow out an ACL when she darts from shirts to skirts.
Survival Tip #4- Prepare for Survival.
You never enter the woods without matches and a knife and thus, never leave the house this time of year without a snack and something to sip. I know, I know, you just ate dinner, you’ll get popcorn at the movies, I’ve heard it all. REMEMBER, YOU ARE SHOPPING WITH YOUR WIFE, MAN! This is not going to be a short trip and it won’t be easy on you. In the wild, attitude means everything to your survival and a little snack and something to whet your whistle may just be the thing you need between casuals and coats. So, take my advice and always be prepared.
There are outdoor survival shows all over TV these days, but unless we live near the wild, we can only apply the principles a few times a year. At Christmastime; however, the sudden “I-need-to pick-up something” trip can happen every other day. So, we need this help.
Now, if I offended any of my female readers, it surely wasn’t intentional. When it comes to securing just the right gift, you gals definitely leave us in the dust, and since the playground, we’ve loved the chase. You just need to understand, while we thrive in the tall trees and deep mountains, your ventures create all sorts of challenges for us, and since we love to chase you, we need a little help to close the gap.
READ MORE FROM SCOTT GILL
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No easy answers
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