Kukka by Sally Kilgore: Size Matters

Rockwall, TX (June 16, 2023) – A universal struggle of women; expectations of perfection. Particularly size. The size of our tummies, our bottoms, thighs, bosoms, backfat, holey buckets. I hear women daily, voicing self-disgust about themselves, even women who seem to have the body ideal. Body image remains an issue.

I’ve noted clothing sources and vendors finally becoming more inclusive of all sizes in advertising. Supportive moves in changing the perspective and the mentality. Even more so, when we adjust our own thinking to “hey – that size 14 model is cute in that” rather than “why didn’t they put a thin girl, a tall girl, a flawless face in that ad?” I love seeing a woman featured in an ad in a wheelchair, or a full, rounded woman, or a woman who has matured with soft places and laugh lines. Our own perceptions make all the difference, and decades ago, the ethos of beauty morphed into something that is exclusive rather than inclusive of all women.

I like my body, some days. Other days, I regress into chagrin over my roundness. I remind women constantly – you are wonderful exactly as you are. Still, the stigma of not being slim remains in the back of my own gray matter.

The universe is filled with unique, fabulous women. We don’t all look the same, why would we choose to? Why base our perception of ourselves or others on how the clothing hangs on our bodies? An old mentor of mine used to talk about the tape recordings in our brains. Old messages are difficult to erase, habits of self-degradation persist, rather than self-acceptance. I use productive self-talk. Softness is pretty. Round and curvy – pretty. I’ve made it almost to sixty-five. Guess what? Age is beauty.

Some days I see myself in the mirror and I think – looking good! Then, I catch a glimpse of myself in a storefront window or a photo and groan inwardly. I’ll continue to talk to my own self and move my brain process from ugh – I need to lose twenty pounds (and why exactly do I?) to looking great, sixty-four and kinda cute!

It takes time to learn to view the reality through eyes not altered by media standards, to see what we are really looking at. We are all sizes, all shapes, all ages. We can see beyond what we consider faults and admire the beauty that exists, by changing the idea that comeliness equates to a particular size and weight. It’s a conscious decision to change perspective to one that sees beauty in all sizes.

I’ve not had a new bathing suit since 2019. That suit was a winner, I remember when I modeled it for the hubs he said “wow!” That, along with seeing myself in a positive light, in a swimsuit of ALL things, prompted me to continue wearing it past its prime. By 2020, the bottom (of the suit!) had gotten a little flappy. I have not replaced that suit, because in 2020 we sold our home with a pool and built a new home – sans pool. A new suit was not a priority. But I have friends with pools and honestly, while I like the way that old suit appears from the front, the back is a bit – um – loose down at the bum. These busy weeks, I’ve not made time to torment myself in a dressing room trying on swimsuits. The process is awful, in hot, cramped dressing rooms, under unflattering light, seeing ourselves in skin-tight costumes…oh lawwww. Sometimes, I see myself in undies and a little camisole and think “This is not bad. why can’t a bathing suit look like this?” They simply don’t.

I took my search online from my comfy chair, still no easy task. I waited until June and stocks are depleted. Poor B.O.B. For an entire evening, he tried making little comments and quips to cheer me up while I agonized over swimsuits and measurements, to be met with Crabby Biddy responding. I am thankful in noting that tolerance is one of his key attributes. (I did apologize for my stressed self, later. But no – I was not seeking a purple polka dot bikini.) I was heartened to see a few catalog listings with women who are not skinny, tall models. I thought they looked great! Why don’t I allow myself this grace? Gonna! Two nights later I sucked it up and pressed “buy.” The swimsuits I ordered are trickling in via mail and UPS. I’ll try them on and make choices. There may be shrieking. There may be moaning. But as God is my witness – I will seek out the good-looking parts and not dwell on my round tummy. I’ll find a suit and I will enjoy wearing it while enjoying pool times with pals. I’m gonna wear the suit – you too!

I must.

Skinny dipping in the tree lined privacy of my old digs is no longer an option.

Sally Kilgore is a resident of Fate, Texas, transplanted from Rowlett, across the lake. She is married to her long-time flame, Judge Chris Kilgore, (aka The B.O.B.) When not writing, gardening, filling in at the local flower shop or hanging out with grandkids, Sally devotes her time to serving Bob Kilgore, a well sized, Tuxedo cat with panache.