ROCKWALL, TX (Feb. 9, 2023) ~ I begin my articles long before I sit down to pound them out on my keyboard. I mull them around for days, sometimes weeks at a time. With this being the “Season of Love” and my editor’s goal to provide meaningful content on the subject, I’ve wrestled with what to say to you. Writing about love and relationships is no easy task. Truth is, for some, the next great holiday is not Valentine’s Day, but what many have dubbed, ‘Single’s Awareness Day.’ So the trick is then to make sure that my relationship counsel is fitting for everyone: those lucky in love and those who get to choose which side of the bed they will sleep on tonight.
Two universal truths on love are this: everyone has a different love story to tell and relationships take effort. I, by no means, am an expert of the perfect relationship as my own have been known to struggle through hard seasons – but I have loved and lost and I know both the good and the hard side of love so I will do my very best to keep your heart in mind as I pour out my “relationship advice.”
All relationships involve two different people, from two different backgrounds, with two different experiences attempting to see things more often from eye to eye than not. When relationships begin to dissolve is when the two different people can no longer see things from a perspective that compliments one another. Values change, new information is presented and minds change, and sometimes, hearts change and don’t feel what they once did. So then, relationship advice, the really good kind, must take into consideration universal truths if it is going to be valuable to everyone.
I refuse to provide you a love checklist, the kind you might find in a fashion magazine, as they are mostly shaped to fit one-size and do not take in consideration the whole human experience when it comes to love and relationships. Instead, I am going to ask you to look at the kind of person you are in your relationships because this is what it comes down to – if everyone began immediately working on their own ability to love one another and to do that love well, to care for each other in a balanced and meaningful way, we’d solve many of the heartaches and trauma we put one another through. This is not a “get the love you want” conversation but, rather, a “give the love they need” one. This is what I have learned and how I put my best foot forward in relationships, and this truth is rooted in the foundational human behaviors that motivate us to behave as we do.
At the core, we all want to protect what we love. We usually love ourselves, to some capacity or another, (no matter what the world is busy telling us about how we need to practice more self-love, trust me, our self-centered society has that all locked up) and we want to protect that. Think about it. When you get into an argument with your partner, spouse, family member or friend, what are you busy doing? Protecting yourself, protecting your truth, protecting what you love. Usually, at some level that is a protection of self-mode. This is not bad, that is the business of humans, we are designed to protect ourselves; it’s the basis of evolutionary theory and being the fittest does not just stop at basic human survival. We are designed to work at being the fittest to survive in relationships, too. So our foundational human nature is to protect that which we love.
So the next question must be, what do we love? I believe that love, true love, is sacrificial. Before you cringe and stop reading, hear me out here. Sacrificial love does not entail you being a doormat or that you are to sacrifice your well-being for love. It means that if we are to follow a model of love that looks out for the well-being of others, which since love is a choice, a decision, an action and not a feeling, sometimes that means we sacrifice. Look at the love of a healthy mother. She sacrifices her body, she sacrifices her schedule and possibly part of her career, all so her kids might have a chance at thriving and doing more than just surviving. Real love, the kind that carries us through life and builds one another up is sacrificial. It means that I get busy looking after you and you being the thing I want to protect. The part that messes up this model is that our relationships are often out of balance.
Where most relationships go south is at the axis point where what one person has chosen to love no longer provides the yin-yang experience that the sacrificial model requires. Sacrificial love only really works out when both people sign on. The basis of the theory resides in this truth: if we are both busy loving each other well, sometimes even more than we love ourselves, then no one loses. In any relationship, that means when both people spend time Cprotecting their friend, parent, partner, spouse from harm then we are living out true love. We may still have conflict because we have to learn how to love other people in ways that are meaningful to them, but that is the beauty of the sacrificial love model: we commit to loving the person we choose to do life with in ways that build them up and make their lives rich with support, kindness, effort and dignity. And if we have found someone worthy of us, they are committed to doing the same thing in return.
At the end of the day, you don’t need any more love advice than that. There is no longer a need for the “10 Step to Creating The Perfect Relationship.” First of all, there are no perfect relationships so stop looking for them. True love is going to stumble sometimes. You are going to bump up against misunderstandings and differences of opinions. Remember at the beginning where I said we come from different backgrounds? That means we are autonomous and each individual has their own life’s experience and expectations. Naturally, that is going to lead to some bumps. But if you can find someone, or you can be the kind of person who loves your tribe in the way I have described, and they love you back to the best of their ability, then you have found the secret to it all. In this model of giving and receiving love that puts one another first, whether family or friend, single or hitched, we have found the balance that every heart desires and deserves.
Guest column and graphic by Erin Kincaid, Founder and Clinical Director of Rockwall Heath Counseling. She holds a host of degrees in Psychology, Christian Counseling, Anthropology and is working toward her PhD in Clinical Counseling.
Erin lives in Rockwall with her husband and son. Look for more of her guest columns here.
Life Lessons by Erin Kincaid: The Trick to Love added by Editor on
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